Thou bat-fowling, deboshed cullion!

Sunday Essay

Das Shakespeare Denkmal - Monument of William Shakespeare at the Public Park on the river Ilm in Weimar, Thuringia Germany. (Is that a smirk on his face?)

Sometimes when I start writing a piece, I realize it isn’t ready to be written. It’s similar to making yeast bread: the yeast has to be fed in just the right amount, mixed, kneaded, left to rise, have the air smooshed out of it, kneaded again, left to rise again, have the air squished out again, kneaded, formed into loaves, then left to rise a final time before it is ready to go in the oven. The temperature, humidity, type of flour, drafts, and doubtless the lunar phase all play a role (not a roll—although that’s a decent pun) in the eventual result, and it can’t be rushed.

So, instead of an essay today, I have something else which is closer to the Midweek Mélange. The Wednesday posts often end up being fun, unexpected, and, I hope, enlightening. I have noticed that some of them end up being more essay-ish, so perhaps I will stop being so prescriptive about the format for either day. Perhaps a simple Sunday Missive (but never a Sunday Missal or Missile!)

Last night while going through my bookshelves, I came across a small volume I had not seen in years and thought perhaps I had given away. Not so! It is a mix-and-match collection of Shakespearean-era words which, when arranged at random following an adjective-adjective-noun order, results in some unusual, riotous, and uniquely descriptive novel insults. One can hardly hurl these humiliations without breaking into laughter, so it’s all in good fun.

In the piece Joyance, in which I delve into archaic words, the ebullient reception of the word clodpoll leads me to imagine that you will enjoy these artful invectives and keep them ready to launch when modern language fails.

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Here, from the book Thou Spleeny Swag-Bellied Miscreant by Sarah Royal and Jillian Hofer, is a roster of waggish slights which I have assembled for your amusement.

I will be spending glorious hours delving into the historical and etymological stories behind a goodly number of words in these discourteous, dastardly derisions.

Thou…

…currish, clay-brained scut!

…goatish, prattling codpiece!

…milk-livered, folly-fallen hedge pig!

…cankered, onion-eyed canker-blossom!

…ribaudred, earth-vexing cutpurse!

…crooked-pated, ill-faced ratsbane!

…dankish, flap-mouthed pumpion!

…dissembling, fool-born pignut!

…foul-reeking, fusty mumble-news!

…gleeking, muddy-nettled bum-baily!

…craven, glass-gazing rudesby!

…beslubbering, mammering gudgeon!

…reeky, sodden-witted measle!

…perfidious, fly-bitten runagate!

…sheep-biting, pigeon-livered caitiff!

If you can’t get enough, there are many more in the book, linked to the publisher’s website above and again here. Now, this is the kind of thing I could make into a party game, and the kinds of people who would enjoy it are nerdiciously superb in my book.

Enjoy insulting your acquaintances in the classiest, most ridiculously pig-nutted fashion!

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