No one says…
Hey little guy, bum a smoke?
My cat is so self-deprecating.
I’m excited to do my final house-clean before moving.
The only way to get what you want is to beg and whine.
You really should wait until the last minute to write that thesis.
I hope the baby cries all night.
I love the way pet fur looks on black pants.
After a long winter, it’s always such a delight to hear the mosquitoes again!
I really hate ice cream on a hot summer day.
Be sure to keep that mower running while you clear the blockage.
No, you may NOT take out the trash.
Put that book down and get some screen time!
I have pet maggots—want to meet them?
I expect to find a sink full of dirty dishes when I come home.
I hope there’s nothing good to eat.
Best day ever—I’m going to be audited!
I love the feeling of rubbing a grater on my knuckles.
You kids find something to do. Use your imaginations—there is a kitchen full of knives, the garage is packed with gasoline, power tools and matches, now go play, and get out of my hair!
Damn, I wish I could get less sleep.
Sirens are such a relaxing sound; I could listen to them all night.
There is nothing like the smell of rancid meat.
Kiddo, you weren’t dreaming. I checked, and there is definitely a monster under your bed. Go back to sleep now, night!
It’s so much fun to clip my dog’s toenails—especially the black ones—and it really relaxes both of us.
What do you mean, can you clean the bathroom? Not until you sit on your ass for at least an hour, doing absolutely nothing! Then we’ll consider it.
Don’t spend so much time outside.
The best thing in the world? Walking on Legos with bare feet. In the dark.
Something you will hear—or at least read—often: thank you for stopping in to the Verbihund Café for a little madness. Remember, you’re only given a little spark of madness; you mustn’t lose it! Does anyone else miss Robin Williams as much as I do? He said that.
PS: Speaking of hearing things, you can now use the text-to-speech option to hear my posts. Enjoy listening to the Stepford Mom voice say “sit on your ass...”
This is how you can listen to posts using the text-to-speech feature in the Substack app:
1. Open the Substack app on your device.
2. Navigate to the post you want to listen to, and tap on the Play icon in the upper right corner.
3. Like, restack, subscribe, buy me a 1969 Camaro, you know the drill.
Actually, I have and do hear many of these comments and more like them because I am, and commiserate with...that kind of people.
How about this one? I love to hear my neighbor shooting off his guns when I'm trying to write.