Midweek Mélange
Witless workplace titles - part 2
Welcome to Midweek Mélange!
Every Wednesday delivers a serving of fascination, finding, form, or frolic to your inbox. Perhaps a grand mashup—but not mishap—of wordplay, whimsy, or wit.
Photo: I prefer honesty in an ass, like this sweet creature who is just checking out the greenery, wondering if those vines are tasty. Zero pretension.
Last week, I posted a collection of the most ridiculous, cringeful, nauseating job titles that take workplace bullshit to a new low.
For what they’re worth, here are the “answers” to the question, “What does that title actually mean—if anything?” For the ones lacking a description, I found nothing by means of contextual clues or entries in the Nonsense-to-English Dictionary. Proposals and guesses are welcome!
Comfort Advisor
A sales position at an HVAC company. They use direct marketing to find new customers and stay in touch with current ones, and make home visits to present sales packages for remodeling, upgrades, and third-party financing.
Employee Experience Partner - IT Support Technician
Engagement Professional - “Identify and utilize tools designed to improve the relationship between provider and audience , collaborate closely with cross-functional teams, and analyze data to determine which engagement techniques are succeeding.”
(i.e., I still have no idea)
Digital Handyperson - Go to people’s homes to help them with computers, phones, and TVs.
Dynamic Social Integrator - Social Media Specialist
Dimensional Control Technician - “Implement dimensional control methods and procedures throughout the fabrication and integration process of the modules to meet the requirements of project specifications and codes.” OK then!
Chief Amazement Officer - Apparently, some C-level corporate clowns thought it would really be neat-o to substitute “Administrative” with “Amazement.” Sure. Because those two words mean exactly the same thing. I love doing Amazing tasks like filing my taxes.
People Partner - HR Officer
I’m sorry, but the HR folks I know would rather stab themselves in the head than have a title that sounds like a matchmaking app for…square dancers? Bow to your partner, do-si-do, then swing your corner, round you go!
Cast Member - Retail Sales Associate
In…what theatrical production, please, so we can sell tickets? Or, maybe this is for unfortunate employees who work for OSHA failures and end up on Worker’s Comp. More likely, though, the “e” was just omitted in the spelling of Caste.
Social Solutionist - Social Media Specialist
Does anyone else get a eugenic-y, Reinhard Heydrich-y vibe from this? This way to the showers, ladies and gentlemen. Drains? We don’t need no stinkin’ drains!
To the igneous-brained rockstars who came up with this title: go back to elementary school, and this time, try to stay awake.
Outdoor Holidays Operations Assistant - Campsite Attendant
Technical Functional Manager - ?
Head of Awareness - ?
I found no definition, so I suggest that this title might apply to His Holiness, the 14th Dalai Lama.
Adventure Guide - Gas Station Employee
Head of Quietly Judging - Graphic Designer
Engagement Ambassador - Telemarketer
Anti-Shelf-Exhaustion Officer - Stocker or Inventory Specialist
Chief Heart Officer - HR Manager
Has anyone ever sidled up to an HR Manager and addressed her/him/them this way? I’m thinking…not. Sillyass me, thinking it might have to do with, I dunno—longshot here—cardiology? Except cardiologists can use multisyllabic words. Like cardiology.
Vibe Manager - Administrative Assistant
I can’t even go here.
Grammar Fascist - Editor
I can’t say I didn’t see this one coming, although right now, the words fascist and Nazi need to hold the full force of their unhumorous definitions. (Sorry, Seinfeld Soup Nazi)
Culture Operations Manager - HR Officer
Really? I thought Operations meant, well, Operations. And the acronym COM…doesn’t that mean Communications? Where is the HR in all of that?
Actions and Repercussions Adviser - Customer Service Manager
Please, sir, can I have some more obfuscation?
Conversion Optimization Wrangler - Marketing Analyst
Did anyone consider the acronym for this? Maybe it’s for the dairy industry. Must be, because then the individual words together, which actually mean “lalalawordsaladsoup,” would not matter.
Customer Returns Outcome Decision Maker Specialist -
The person who held this position defined it with some disgust: “I opened boxes and decided whether the contents went into the dumpster, out for refurbishment, or back on the shelf.” [insert eye roll]
Agility Coach - “The agility coach (or agile coach) is a change agent who helps leaders and teams adopt new ways of working via agile practices and mind-sets…supports scaled agile ceremonies (for example, big room planning) that enable cross-team prioritization, dependency management, and alignment with company strategy.”
I have no idea what that means, but my idea of an Agility Coach is this:
Kate Morgan Reade: Totally agree on the good Donkey!
In that my Walloon-Belgian family suffered the occupation of the Third Reich, I TOTALLY favor limiting "Nazi" and "fascist" to the totalitarian, racist meanings. TOTALLY!
The dog trainer is that (or the doggie’s mom); the canine is the “agility specialist.”